Sunday, 24 January 2016

Romance in Brisbane

I recently recalled my Asian fellow from the college where I stayed in Brisbane, Grace College. I recalled her because of her remarks on me and Danny. I then decided to write this note because the Asians went after me even inside of the Anglican church in Melbourne when this all started, like people I had never met in my life, as I have already explained on another blog. I did not have many Asian friends back then, not even acquaintances, but, all those I did have, as far as I knew, were in Brisbane, so that it all came as a shock. And that happened after I denounced an Asian guy, a middle-age guy, who I detected using my firewall, as explained on one of my blogs or on my FB. 

I had just shared one episode of something I had experienced with Danny with two Singaporean female fellows of mine at the college, two sisters, if I recall well, Shafina and another name, which I now forgot. He had taken me to a prostitution place because he always had these sudden changes: He said he used to go there all the time when he was with the old woman, like obviously without her knowing. 

I felt humiliated and betrayed. I ended up dancing for him, like doing an almost lap dance for him there, because he seemed to be starring, in a way to show interest, at one of the prostitutes at the place, the one that was doing pole dance, a lady who was old and overweight. I told that to Shafina because I was really in shock. I just had to see if they had some advice to give, but they were all terrified actually, all of them. I spoke only to those I knew had had sexual experiences or were not averse to such a conversation and everything. Oh well, apparently, they spread to the Asian girl who lived right in front of my bedroom there, and she then said stuff to me when Danny visited me after that date. I myself was having serious restrictions when dealing with him from that date onward because it really did not feel good. He was really into perversion, I reckon. The Asian girl who lived in front of my room at the college then thought I should not accept Danny anymore. Fact is that I was pretty cold with him on the day she was saying stuff to me and I only agreed with having a bit of intimacy with him because he was really aggressive, like physically aggressive, like forcing it, and I did love him, I just could not cope with any betrayal or behavior or belief of that nature, I reckon, like he was not for me perhaps. He was poking me with the cue during our pool game that day, for instance. I never shared anything with the Asian girl and she was not even my friend, however, so that it is all pretty odd to me at all times, just like being attacked by that bunch of Asians inside of the Anglican church. I would think that, first of all, nobody has to do with my personal life. Second, if anything, she should help and support me, not attack, since I was, if anything, a victim, like I would never go for any other man, even if having some desires, whilst I am with him, like whilst we don't split. That is how clean I am. She is the woman who got me to attend the Church of Christ, however, her Church. 

Oh, well, because the Asians never stopped injuring me one way or another since back then, even because I cannot really defend myself all the way through, I decided to write this note, as said before. Look, some of them are nice to me, some are. Usually women. I had one who helped me with Telstra once, an Asian woman, and she served me very well. I had another who helped me with Telco Club and also served me very well. Another Asian woman. I had an Asian man who helped me once with my jobs, during my contract with Centrelink. 

My story with Danny began in the squash courts. I went there because Carla, one of my main aggressors, this since 2000, someone who seems to have come from Rio exclusively to injure me, together with her partners (two, George and Mario), actually told me that she had met this man who seemed to be absolutely available and in a pitiful emotional situation, like in true need of a good companion. According to her, he was inviting any stranger to attend his party. 

I was always looking for a loner, in terms of man, the antithesis of the popular man, just because I never wanted to be betrayed, not even for one second, and I really thought I would have more chances if the guy were not a popular person. As she mentioned that the guy was so lonely that he was inviting anyone, I definitely thought it was worth it having a go. 

Furthermore, I was used to practice sports, had just arrived, and had not yet found my sport in Australia. I had played squash once in Brazil, in the Rio Sul Tower, with a woman who used to be like a sister to me, Leonisia Marta, and had loved it. On the occasion, we played there because of Eduardo, her male friend, who used to go there. 

Oh, well, as soon as I arrived at the court, and looked for information about the sport and the squash club, they took me to the courts and spoke to some guys who were playing. One of them said that he was going to take it and, when he flashed his blue eyes over me, after he turned, I go: Oh, my, it can only be him, like, for some reason, I knew.

His eyes a sort of locked on me and I felt all that impact of first-sight love, basically.

Danny took me to the squash club's room and got my details, but he also asked me for a massage, if I remember well, like he started talking and then, as if it were all natural, he asked me to touch him somehow, I reckon, as for memory.

I found nothing wrong with that, since I was already expecting that desperate person, and I actually wanted that (right?).

I did whatever he asked with a lot of moderation and reservation at that stage, but I did.

We then started seeing each other regularly, like he would leave the courts and go to the college where I was in search of knowing me better and, sometimes, to ALSO get a massage, which, again, I did not mind giving.

I thought that he was going all the way to where I was, I was making no effort, he was giving me full attention, we were getting to know each other, and that was minimum courtesy. 

He then was seeing me every day at that stage, I reckon, and that went for perhaps one month. 

It was a long time for me in that situation, since he could not enter the college, like it was not my house, and we used to converse on the sidewalk, sat there, close to his car.

I was really used to comfort and proper dating, so that I thought it was a bit weird doing things in that way, but I also did not reject the idea and playing as it went.

All of a sudden, he wanted us to go out on a proper date.

We then went somewhere, I reckon it was a pub, having Simon, his best mate, accompanying us at all times.

Danny was really short compared to me, like perhaps the heights were not that different, but I loved wearing heels and he then would kinda look really short, something like Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, basically. His eyes, however, combined with his hair and his way of dealing with me made the world back then, like his eyes were really really beautiful and expressive. His facial expression was really remarkable and so were his gestures, words, and others. He had a lot of personality. Not as much as Hamish, but a lot of it.

Anyway, Simon, however, was of my height. That was a very difficult situation for me. I had never been to a date where the man takes another single man together with him, quite sincerely. That was top novelty.

I then did not know what to do, first of all. I remember having asked him, at a certain stage, since he referred to Simon in a funny way, if it was Simon who should be my date or something, like perhaps he thought he was too short for me or something, what was perhaps true. He told me nothing in a clear way at that stage and we kept on conversing. 

We conversed in the car and we conversed at the pub.

I thought Simon was pleasant. I actually found all his friends, at the exception of very few, quite pleasant, so that we did match in a lot of senses.

Simon was funny most of the time. 

The days passed and we kept on dating on the sidewalk, sitting on the kerb, and also at the club, during my squash times. I actually learned squash, the techniques involved in it, from him, in principle, like in theory. Danny did not teach me much, actually. I am not so sure why, since I am a very good student. He must be an excellent teacher, since he is a champion, but, with me, things did not work very well, I reckon, since I did not really learn much. Perhaps it has to do with our talents and I did not have much talent for the thing, I am not sure. Some people believe training can get us anywhere. On the other hand, I was more there for the fun of it and to really get to know him, so that I was not really paying attention to that, but to spending time with him and playing some squash. My learning had been in tennis, at the professional tennis courts they had at the military club in Rio. I learned from my father, who was an exceptional, a really gifted, teacher, so that I REALLY learned tennis from him. Because of the so great he was at teaching anything, but specially sports, it is hard for me to credit other people with teaching, I reckon, but I really did not learn much from Danny. 

Anyway, we kept on meeting in that way until he invited me to go with him to Noosa, I reckon, like I do not really remember the name of the place at this very moment, even because we stayed exclusively in the entertainment complex, since he was a member of whatever club it was that allowed him to pay cheaper for those things. We got a cabin and, this time, we had Dale with us. Dale connects to Hollywood and the thing I most fear for years is that it was Dale who gave my ideas to the Hollywoodians all these years, when they got changed into movies. I fear that because Danny also stole from me in that 2000, as I told Trevor, and therefore it would be likely, but that would be really bad. We also had a movie called Danny and the Deckchair being screened in Melbourne in that 2002 and a double of Danny appearing as if he were marrying at the Middle Park beach, where I was staying with Bradley. I had told Trevor that I thought me and Danny could be like a dream couple back then because I did think he loved me and he was really happy with me. I know Danny knows, from seeing, the atrocities that I endure, quite a few of them, for many years, so that I fear even more that he is really, and seriously, involved. As we know, however, there is no possible figure to count the number of corrupt, immoral, and criminal authorities in AU and BR all these years. They all seem to know and be responsible at all times, quite sincerely, so that Danny may be denouncing all these years and nothing. It is possible, since I myself am doing that. On the other hand, Dale knows Hollywoodians and could easily get it all on TV according to their perspective, talking about what they themselves saw, what would then save me immediately, but they don't do that. Danny is also the most connected person I have ever met and the person who most connects, like I found it unbelievable: How quickly and firmly he could connect to anyone in this world. I told Trevor about that. I really thought that he could get anything from anyone on earth for as long as he wanted in terms of favors (obviously not love, since I left him in that same 2000, but definitely in terms of everything else).

We stayed at the not-so-little cabin during that entire weekend and I was still finding it odd that he would bring a male friend with him, and again a single male friend. I was there thinking (sincerely, swear to God) that Australian men were probably very giving, very generous, and offered two in place of one, like I was there thinking that I basically had found my paradise on earth: If one fails, the other helps, and it is all to serve me and make me happy. 

At the same time, I was finding it very odd: That the other would be basically watching us kiss and hug and everything else and would feel OK with all that. 

I then decided that, if anything, he would ask for it, he would start, since it was his friend and etc.

It did happen that he asked for massages again, but, this time, he wanted to give me some too. 

We had some fun at the place and Dale was actually very well behaved, just like Simon, like very well disciplined, very conformed, and actually very much displaying the behavior of a relative or someone like that, to my complete astonishment: Africans and Brazilians would definitely not conform with just watching, they are more to the side of rapists, I reckon, in this sort of situation. 

Oh, well, I loved being amongst men in my personal life, and men only. Australia looked like paradise that far. 

As for Danny, I loved him because I was having a really good time: We laughed and played a lot and I love being entertained, romanced, teased, and etc. My life is way too hard in everything else since little. I love working, I produce quite a lot, as much as I can, but I limit myself to the Brazilian legal allowance for work, maximum, which is 40 hours per week, so that, it is my habit, since I definitely do not betray anyone and never saw any sense in that, leaving work to work and go home to really be at home. In this way, working so hard and with so much passion for what I do when it is about Management, Research, Teaching, Science, and alike things, I really need to have a good time at home. 

I was actually a good match for Danny in those regards, it seemed. He was a really hardworking man as well, since he would always be at work when I called him, for instance, glued to his desk. Danny showed really positive signs at the beginning of our relationship, and that is why I initially invested all I could in him: He would always speak to me when I called and would definitely be there, on site, actually very close to the telephone, what just made sense, since he was a seller. Besides, as far as I know, he worked with only men.

He then looked and sounded very reliable, which is what I love in a man: That I can trust him as much as he can trust me, and, actually, if possible, that I can trust him twice as much, so that I feel really confident and can be the most productive I can be, producing for human kind in general, being as meaningful as I can be.

We were, however, at an early stage of our relationship, perhaps by the second month, when this episode that was not that nice took place: We were going somewhere, arriving, parking, and that was another pub, if I remember well, and, this time, we were on our own, and these girls came on their own in a car, parking in front of ours. I understood that he was saying intimate stuff to them, something like insinuating himself to them to a certain level, and I really did not like that. I remember making my face of shock at that stage, like we had just started, he seemed so happy, and, all of a sudden, bam, bam, bam, bam. Wow!

As I starred at him in disbelief, and the other girls were actually terrified with his attitude too, like it was absolutely unexpected and out of place, he decided to explain himself: Yes, I am a jerk. 

Oh, man, a guy tells me that and I go: If he says so, it can only be, basically. That is when I decided that Danny was just for fun, unfortunately. I am indeed a rigid person, what Florica classified as too much black on white, and, for me, there is realistically no middle of the way. He said that and did what he did before that, and I go: No way on earth I will invest anything in this. If anyone will invest, that will indeed be only him.

So I did. I actually do not recall not even one instance in which I paid something when I was with Danny, as for memory. 

He once said he loved me inside of a squash court, a championship. He yelled that from the court. He was very thankful for me being in his life on that particular day because I was realistically in love with him and I did whatever I could to please him that far, since I did believe he was being faithful and everything, despite that day at the parking lot. I was really lucky with our outings because he was just like me and really worked, despite studying little for his Master's. We traveled always exclusively when it was weekends and we went out or met always after hours. Sometimes we would stay at his place, which was a shared house. He shared the house with a few people in order to buy it quicker, he told me. His bedroom was still entirely ours and so was the house most of the time. Shoobie shared house with him, an Indian man, and his girlfriend was a native Australian woman called Nicki. I did like when Shoobie brought us doughnuts, for instance. He seemed to like me for real. He worked in a place where they make doughnuts every day, so that that was an easy thing for him to do. Yet, it was a truly kind gesture. In this way, we did not have to think of breakfast. 

What Danny did at his squash courts that day, on the championship day, was probably the most romantic thing that someone had done for me that far in life, like it was his environment, perhaps he even grew up playing squash, it was his star moment, and he said with no fear and out loud from that court that he loved me when I was far from him, physically speaking, quite a few levels behind. On the other hand, it was not as romantic as it could be because only a few people were there to watch him do that. 

I did love Danny back then and I was really in love with him. 

Things got quite odd with time, though. Quite a shame.

Once we were in a shopping center and he had told me he dated an old woman before dating me. This woman passed us and he said that she was friends with his previous girlfriend, so that she would definitely tell her. We had been dating for ages at that stage, and completely in the open and every day. Did that mean that he did not split from her? That is the first thing that I thought. 

I could not imagine how he could ever be with someone else or give attention to someone else for long in our relationship and I therefore was puzzled with that. According to him, they were definitely not together since we started seeing each other at least.

Things like that took me from him, basically. 

He did propose in a funny way, like he wanted us to have a De Facto relationship at a certain stage, but I thought that his proposal was too unclear to make up for so much I had been through with him that I found shocking or unacceptable, such as the shopping center thing. 

I met his parents, we went to their place, I met his sister and her son, and, by the way, he looked really cute with the baby over him, and etc., so that it did look like he was what he should be most of the time or all of the time, but certain things were too much of a shock, such as the episode with the parking lot, the episode with the shopping center, and etc.

I then told Trevor that perhaps if he went through some fine tuning, with the help of a good community, even a few male friends, we could perhaps be a happy couple, this back in the end of 2001, since my main thing was being loved, not loving, and if he could love me to the size that I needed, basically, then it could be. I always saw myself as a sort of prize, if you believe me, like if the man were really good, really without sin, really pure in his heart, then he could perhaps have me. Of course, this could only happen if I thought that he was attractive, and etc. I think I basically love as in a reflection of their love, never because I simply love, so that I did get a lot of romance from almost all my boyfriends before we ever engaged in something serious. 

I think I come from a background which is unhappy couples and mostly unhappy women, so that I did listen to all of them and the main problem did seem to be that those men did not love them for real, so that the thing I most wanted was true love, eternal, and I am seduced by love, basically: The more they give, the more I love them. On the other hand, I was raised amongst prostitutes, or amongst what is, in my personal vocabulary, prostitutes, so that I do think I am quite a catch also because I find it hard to count, like they are too few, the women that I have had contact with that, for instance, did not betray men. Basically, they are housewives and they do it. 

I may however have kept a few men for a time even being sure that they were not my perfect match, like I do think I have done that with Rogerio in Brazil, for instance. I just didn't invest in the relationship in the way that I do when I think there is hope, that is all. I think they do know the difference very well. 

We had a really good time together quite a few times, me and Danny. I found him very creative and full of energy. Once he said that we had synergy. I did think so. I think he is hyperactive, however, like a medical case. I had students who proceeded like him. I think he never went to the doctor to be assessed. Hyperactivity does cause unexpected behavior, something like being on drugs. I did tell that to Trevor, since that SOB said that he was a professional nurse. 

I then believe that we had synergy, but I also believe that there were several times in which he was out of control, completely out of control, and therefore there were several times in which it looked like we could not possibly be a match. For instance, a couple of times he entered my females-only college and refused to sign the book that every visitor has to sign. I insisted quite a lot and, even so, he disrespected the rules, letting me down tremendously, hurting me quite a lot, since I absolutely always follow the rules of wherever I am and I do take a lot of pride in doing that. On those occasions, he would act exactly like my hyperactive student, like really looking as if he were not listening and simply marching towards the inside of the place, leaving me with no option. I am not a mother, rather the opposite, so that I would not say anything after that, but the hurt was done, like I would never forget that. 

We did have synergy most of the time, like our energy levels were pretty high and compatible and we seemed to follow each other in a way to feel together almost all the time.

It was a very nice thing for me for a time and I did believe, at a certain stage, that it could be. 

He never let me down emotionally or physically, what is a very important thing for me, each and every time I initiated things with him, at least until a certain time, time in which he seemed to be having intimate relations with men.

There were, however, faults that were impossible to deal with, such as the hyperactivity episodes, that thing of the jerk, and others: Things that really make any dream of permanent relationship impossible. 

I was more for the fun in 2000 because I am a Capricorn and I look for stability in first place, so that I needed to have myself sorted before I could think of marrying someone. I could have married him, provided he did not declare himself to be a jerk and did not act as such, what he did a short time after we started dating (about two months, I reckon, but short time for me, who thinks always of eternity, believes in soul and etc.). 

Shame, realistically, but, infinitely worse it will be if I ever get saved from all this and still find out that it was all caused by Danny, who, then, due to his charisma, was able to keep every authority for law and order in the world watching, rather than doing their job, all these years whilst my more than perfect and infinitely precious turn, life, career, head and body simply went with all atrocities I endure, fading away like a burnt match. 

Trevor was carrying fishing gear in the picture I got for him inside of my computer in that end of 2001, as I have already said in a few places. That was actually one of the reasons that made me pay attention to his profile. I was really thinking of Danny in that 2001 and how good it would be if I could get his favors, his intercession, in my dealings with the researchers that far. I told Julia about that and I actually asked her to go after Danny. She was in BRB, I thought that they were similar somehow, and I then thought that she could manage to find him and ask for help. 

It all coincided and there is then a chance, especially because Carla is again one of my worst aggressors all these years, that he is actually actively involved all these years in the complete criminal waste of my every effort with me able to do absolutely nothing apart from crying from beginning to end of it. 

This is going to kill me per se, since the main thing, what made me remember Danny when I spoke to Trevor, was basically the opposite to all this: His love for me, and the love he felt for who I was, precisely in the way that I was, more than anything else. 

There is only God, only God, realistically. 

The ideas that I gave directly to Trevor in that 2001, in what regards movies, were: About Schmidt (because mum loved Jack Nicholson and she had a lot of resentment for my father having obliged her to stop working and do house duties or take care of us instead and she always described to me, who was probably the only one who really heard and paid attention to her, how much those things took of her and in what ways), The Last Samurai (because I had the most beautiful image of all in my head and heart for Tom Cruise and therefore really liked watching his movies and knowing things about him or was simply always having them thrown on me in Brazil, like it is their culture. For instance, every dentist's office would have a gossip magazine with him on a cover when I attended. Had I chosen acting, I would probably choose his style of movies as well, like I had acting as a side profession, not a main one, but, were it the main one, then I would choose his movies. I thought that he could have great talent, but he was probably poorly managed and I then thought that perhaps another sort of movie could give him more chance of showing off. I then had this idea as the most different as possible). I told Trevor that Jack Nicholson was indeed a spectacular actor and we should make as many movies with him as possible before he died, so that I also suggested that they made Anger Management. I gave even the name of Cruise's movie to Trevor, but not the name of the others. I gave the entire plot for Anger Management, part of the plot for The Last Samurai, the entire plot for Matrix, the one in which Neo goes t0 the end and speaks to, basically, the boss, part of the plot for Down with Love, small part, and the main idea for A Beautiful Mind. I also gave a few ideas for TV to Trevor. Amongst those were Deal or No Deal and De Saia Justa. 

I told Trevor about Dale. I was very confused and depressed (not to the clinical level). The main thing was denial of information, as it is all the way through, I reckon. I could have saved my entire being just with answers to my questions up to 2003, for instance. Trevor himself was a kind of puzzle, so that it all just added to the confusion. I said anything that I thought could save me from suffering more crime and guarantee that PhD title or that academic job, and hopefully both, at most at RMIT. It is all quite a shame, realistically. 




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